Madame Web (2024) - A Tangled Mess: The Web That Should've Been Left Unspun

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆ (1/5 Stars)

Released 02-14-2024

Watched 03-15-2024

Reviewed 03-20-2024

Rented from iTunes

"When you take on the responsibility, great power will come."

I regret to say that "Madame Web" is an utter disaster of a film, failing spectacularly on almost every front. It's a bewildering concoction of terrible choices, resulting in an unwatchable mess that tarnishes the Spider-Verse canon and squanders the talents of its cast and crew.

Let's start with the plot—or lack thereof. The storyline is as thin as a spider's web, barely holding together its disparate elements. From Cassie Webb's contrived origin to the villain Ezekiel Sims's absurd motivations, every narrative beat feels forced and uninspired. It's clear that the writers were grasping at straws, hoping something would stick, but instead, they've crafted a narrative devoid of tension or coherence.

Character development is virtually non-existent. Cassie Webb, portrayed by Dakota Johnson, is about as captivating as a lifeless prop. Her transformation from paramedic to pseudo-mentor for the future Spider-Women feels rushed and unbelievable. Even worse are the supporting characters, who are reduced to mere caricatures with no depth or complexity.

The cinematography is abysmal, with nauseating camera work that seems intent on inducing motion sickness in the audience. Whether it's the dizzying handheld shots or the inexplicable use of extreme close-ups, every frame is a visual assault on the senses. It's a shame, considering the potential for creative cinematography in a film centered around clairvoyance and precognition.

As for the script, it's downright laughable. Dialogue exchanges are stilted and awkward, lacking any semblance of naturalism. The attempts at humor fall flat, and the dramatic moments are so melodramatic they border on parody. It's as if the writers never bothered to read their own script before handing it off to the actors.

But perhaps the most egregious sin of "Madame Web" is its complete disregard for the established Spider-Verse canon. By shoehorning in new characters and plot points without any regard for continuity, the film undermines the rich tapestry of stories that fans have come to love. It's a slap in the face to loyal fans and a betrayal of the source material.

In conclusion, "Madame Web" is a train wreck of a film that should be avoided at all costs. From its paper-thin plot to its abysmal character development, there's nothing redeemable about this cinematic catastrophe. Save your time and money for something worth watching—anything else would be a better use of both.